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26 November 2019
Emily Graham

How to Start Introducing Anal Sex to your Relationship

collection of anal toys on pink background

While experience is the best teacher, this guide will help you and your partner avoid the rookie mistakes that have contributed to a lot of the negative stigmas people associate with anal sex (often referred to as ‘anal-play’). Dramatically increasing the chances of you having an orgasmic anal experience.

Anal sex: how to have the conversation with your partner

The most important part of this journey will be the conversations you and your partner have regarding how to introduce anal-play into your sex life. How these conversations go are critical to the success of your anal exploration. We like to see them as the building blocks to your sky-high anal story building.

Unfortunately, there is no one-discussion-fits-all for this scenario. Every reader of this guide will have their own unique circumstances. However, regardless of you and your partner’s back(door)stories, the key ingredient in this discussion is honesty. Admittedly not always as easy as it sounds, but now is not the time for finding excuses to spare the feelings of your nearest and dearest; you’re trying to achieve something a lot more important than avoiding the in-law’s BBQ. In this conversation, both of you must say exactly what you want to say, not what you think the other person might want to hear.

Take your time, don’t rush this delicate part of the adventure. Depending on your partner’s past it might take them a while to get mentally relaxed about dipping their toe (or penis) in the water. If they feel pressured into doing something they’re not entirely ready for it could lead to a bad experience. So, always take your time –slow and steady wins this anal race (Reference 1).

The person initiating the conversation is most likely going to be the more eager partner, ready to dabble in anal-play. Their partner’s reaction will tell them whether this is going to be an easy sell or a struggle. There is a big difference between someone showing a lack of enthusiasm, and someone putting up staunch resistance that has strong emotions behind it. If faced with the latter, a lot of patience and understanding will be required. It is important to remember that you should never force anyone into something they don’t want to do. Trying anal sex may just not be something your partner is interested in and you have to respect that decision, NO means NO.

Typical objections to trying anal-play are; it will hurt and it’s messy (bowel movements). We will address both of these concerns further down the guide, revealing how a little pre-sex preparation can avoid both of the problems mentioned above.

Mythbuster #1: Enjoying anal doesn’t mean you’re gay

If I try anal sex and like it does that mean i’m gay? No and this is a big concern and misunderstanding that stops heterosexual men trying anal sex.

It’s important to understand the majority of men who’s first instinct is to shut down the idea of trying anal sex are by no means homophobic. It’s more an indication of how difficult it is to get rid of outdated baggage, still ingrained in mainstream culture. No one is immune from picking up the odd subconscious bias along the way.

Logic and reason are your tools for overcoming this mental roadblock if it is one for you. Get your partner to question why they feel enjoying anal stimulation, particularly receiving, automatically makes them feel ill-at-ease on some level. It’s like saying if you’re Indian you cannot possibly enjoy heavy metal music, your ears are programmed to enjoy Bhangra music only! What nonsense. No one should allow themselves to be pigeon-holed in such a way. Putting limits on what type of sex you can and cannot enjoy based on your sexual orientation is quite frankly bonkers.

Help your partner realise this one bona fide fact: “how you achieve pleasure has nothing to do with your sexual orientation or gender.” (Reference 2)

More tips for when having the ‘shall we try anal?’ conversation

  • Don’t pop the question during sex, or even in the bedroom. It’s the sex equivalent of proposing on a football pitch at halftime. The person being asked may not appreciate it.
  • Try using the phrase ‘anal-play’ more, it has a gentler ring to it than ‘anal sex’.
  • Debunk the myths that still surround anal-play together; getting your partner to read this guide is a good start, surely that’s not asking too much of them?
  • If both of you are anal virgins and your partner has said ‘no’ to experimenting in anal sex; ask if they have any issues with you probing your own back-passage without them … or do they want to stay and lend a hand?
  • Get experimenting with anal sex toys. Start of with a small butt plug or treat yourself to a beginners anal sex toy kit to make sure you are fully prepared.
  • If your partner has a prostate gland (males), let them know that when the prostate is rubbed the right way it results in orgasms as earth-shattering as any G-spot orgasm. Cheeky tip: buy them a small prostate massager to show them what all the fuss is about.
  • Make a fun game of this conversation; take turns to tell each other what sex act you’ve always wanted to try but were too afraid to ask (of course, make your choice anal-play) …
  • … If your partner says we’ve already had this conversation, tell them last time was a dress rehearsal, this is the real one!

Preparing for anal sex

Anal-play requires a little more pre-sex preparation than vaginal or oral sex. In fact, the first few times you treat your tushy to some anal-play you will probably spend more time preparing than actually playing. This will all change once you become more experienced at prepping your derrière: with familiarity comes speed.

The first and easiest preparation process:  trim your nails.

Douching

For most anal-players, newbie and advanced, the main part of preparing for anal sex will be using a douche to clean your back-passage. This helps to get rid of any waste that wasn’t flushed-out the last time nature called. We strongly advise you to perform this task in the bathroom. Don’t fret, douches are simple to use and no, you won’t need to attach it to your shower.

Anal Douche £12.95

The most popular style of douche is shaped like a bulb with a small thin nozzle-attachment at the tapered end for safe and easy insertion. Suitable for anal-players of all experience levels.

How to use an Anal Douche before Anal Sex

  • Remove the nozzle attachment and fill the bulb up with luke-warm water (never use hot water on this sensitive part of the body). Secure the nozzle back on, it should slot back into place. Then, apply water-based lubricant to both the nozzle and your anus entrance.
  • Slowly and carefully; insert the nozzle into your anus. Then when you feel comfortable, squeeze the bulb to release the water upstream into your rectum. Don’t stop until most or all of the water has been emptied from the bulb.
  • Obviously what goes up must come down so make sure you’re close to a toilet when using a douche. Don’t try and flush the water out solely by force, give it a few moments and your body will want to assist you with the flushing-out process.
  • Post-flush, inspect the colour of the water … there is a high chance it will be a bit murky. Flush the toilet and repeat these steps (applying more lubricant if necessary).
  • Keep douching until the consistency of the water is clear. Then you will have peace of mind that your bum is clean enough to eat off (and maybe somebody just will).

Sounds similar to an enema? They perform near-identical jobs, only douches clean the rectum (one of the primary body-parts stimulated by anal-play) and enemas clean further into the large intestine.

Other things to consider when douching:

  • Practise. Get used to douching before getting your bum used to anal-play. This way you’re not experimenting with two new things in the same evening. Plus, when it’s finally time to pop your anal-cherry you can be confident you’ve douched correctly.
  • Fill the bulb up with as much water as possible, this helps to prevent you from pushing air inside your back-passage.
  • Even after extensive douching-n-flushing, don’t be alarmed if a little excess water comes out before, during or even after sex, sometimes it might not happen until 30 mins after sex (Reference 3). If you have the time, douche an hour or so prior to sex.

Anal-play: your first time

Whether playing solo or with your partner, the key to enjoying anal sex is being relaxed. For most beginners, this is easier said than done. Up until now, the anus will have been used to one-way traffic, so it is likely to clench up tightly when it suddenly feels something trying to enter rather than exit.

Don’t be discouraged, even longtime anal adventurers will tell you they also experienced a brief acclimatisation period. Training the anus to get used to penetration takes time, but eventually, it will feel as comfortable (or almost as comfortable) with this action as it currently is with releasing digestive waste.

After applying a generous amount of lubricant to one of your fingers and smearing some around the anus; gently and slowly rub around the entrance. It won’t happen straight away but you will notice the sphincter muscles relaxing as it becomes accustomed to being touched this way (Reference 4). Now, gently insert that lubricated finger into your anus; not the entire finger, just a half-finger to begin with. Once inserted, if you feel comfortable performing some slow mild movements try these; shallow penetration, a very faint twirling of your finger or a stroking “cum hither” movement with your finger.

 

Some other tips that may help the first-time anal-player:

  • Whilst rubbing and probing your anus, softly stimulate your clitoris or penis. This will help your body relax and heighten the pleasure you feel. This is something both beginners and advanced anal-players do (if you watch porn you will notice the performers often rubbing their clit or stroking their penis during anal scenes).
  • If you or your partner don’t fancy using a finger, try using a tiny butt plug.
  • Even if both you and your partner want to explore anal-play together; maybe have a secret solo session beforehand. This can help eliminate any pressure that you or your partner may feel in making that all-important first time experience a success.
  • Until both your mind and body are totally at ease with anal-play, the actual penetration part of the experience need not last long. Don’t try and copy what you may have seen in porn movies! Not only are porn performers very experienced, but a lot of pre-scene preparation allows these performers bodies to accommodate many minutes of anal penetration with (relative) comfort. Even the best marathon runners in the world began with a humble once-round-the-block.

First-time anal toys

In addition to the douche (see above), the following items are essential to that first experience going as smoothly as possible. Lubricant is a must-have:

 

Love Lube Anal Water Based Lubricant 150ml £11

You must always use lubricant whenever treating your bottom to some anal fun. Even people who have engaged in anal sex for many years will tell you this is non-negotiable. Unlike the vagina, the back-passage is not a self-lubricating body-part. Also, waster-based lube can protect a condom (do not use an oil-based lubricant with a condom as this can damage the latex). So, being nice and slippery down there minimises the chances of the condom breaking, (Reference 5).

  • Water-based lubricant with relaxant.
  • Compatible with all sex toy materials (unlike silicone-based lube + oil-based lube).
  • Phthalates free, paraben-free.
  • Safe to use with condoms (unlike oil-based lube + other oil-based products, including Vaseline).
  • Relaxant specially designed with anal sex in mind helps the anus become relaxed, making penetration easier. Even some experienced anal-players find this necessary on occasion.

 

Beginner’s Anal Sex Butt Plug Set £24.95

The butt plug is an anal-play classic and is still the favourite toy for many experienced back-door lovers. This butt plug set is perfect for the newcomer who desires an alternative to being penetrated with a finger (or fancies a change).

  • 3 butt plugs; each plug is a different size; tiny, small, medium.
  • Soft, tapered tip for safe and easy insertion.
  • The shaft gradually widens as you approach the base, culminating in a flared ‘bulbed’ effect where the plug is at its widest.
  • Underneath the ‘bulb’ section of the plug is a very thin ‘stork’ (sometimes called a ‘neck’) which prevents the plug from popping out unexpectedly.
  • The tiny butt plug that comes with this boxset is a contender for being the smallest anal toy we’ve seen, perfect for a first-timer.
  • Tiny butt plug: insertable length is 7.5cm approx, diameter at widest point (the ‘bulb’) is 2.3cm approx.
  • Unisex.
  • All 3 butt plugs made from smooth, body-safe silicone.

Mythbuster #2: Does anal sex hurt?

Contrary to what some people may tell you, anal sex does not hurt if it’s done correctly.

That’s not to say that you will never experience any discomfort during or after anal sex. Don’t be alarmed if you feel slightly sore or stingy down there, particularly in and around the entrance. In one sense, this occurrence is similar to vaginal penetration where sometimes if the sex is particularly enthusiastic the vagina can feel a little bit sore afterward.

The most common reasons for anal-players feeling minor discomfort now-and-then is down to not using enough lube and not being able to get their anus to relax (Reference 6).

Of course, if you’re still relatively inexperienced and try to insert something large into your butt, then yes you are going to hurt yourself and experience pain (not to be confused with discomfort). Don’t try to insert an average size dildo or real penis into your behind until it can handle a medium-sized anal toy with ease. The gradual stages to anal-play are vital and will allow your body to respond to being penetrated with different size toys or penises in an enjoyable and healthy way.

Lastly, never forget that all our bodies are unique and some people’s sexual orifices are more naturally stretchy than others. Some people won’t be able to play safely with a large toy or well-endowed penis, even if they use a bucket full of lube; if it won’t fit, it won’t fit and it’s as simple as that. Never try to force it.

How to clean up after anal sex

Unless you actually do need to go to the toilet, don’t try and push or squeeze the lube out of your back-passage; give those butt muscles a well-earned break. The best way to clean up after anal sex is by taking a shower. Always clean any of your anal sex toys afterward with our specially formulated toy cleaner. Simply, spray the toy 3-5 times, leave the spray to kill the bacteria for a few minutes, then rinse with lukewarm water.

After anal sex don’t be spooked if you notice a ‘tiny spot of blood’ (Reference 7) on the wipe. If there is no trace of any blood the next time you need to give your bottom a wipe then forget about it and remember to use a bit more lube next time.

However, if the bleeding persists or if you’re producing a discharge you’re not familiar with, go and see your doctor. (Reference 8)

Top 5 Anal Sex Tips (in no particular order)

  1. Always use a condom when having anal sex (penis penetrating an anus). The risk of you catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) dramatically increases if the person performing the penetration neglects to wear a condom. Ignore what you may have seen in porn films, before filming all performers have to produce a recent STI test result showing a negative result (meaning no STI found, they’re clean). Even then, this stringent system hasn’t always stopped the occasional porn performer from catching an STI from on-set sex. Strap up!
  2. Stick to water-based lubricant, it’s the most versatile lube on the market. Not only is water-based lube safe to use with every toy material it’s also safe to use with condoms. Avoid oil-based lubricant, lotion, moisturiser, Vaseline, everything that is oil-based! Not only will it ruin some toys (depending on what material the toy is made from), it will also damage your condom and heighten the chances of you catching a sexually transmitted infection. Silicone-based lube is condom friendly but is only compatible with certain toy materials.
  3. Never use the same toy for both vaginal penetration and anal penetration. Even if you now douche like a pro it’s unhygienic and you’re risking your vaginal health.
  4. When you feel you have become more of a pro in the anal region, try warming up your anus half an hour before sex with a medium-sized butt plug. Simply, insert the butt plug into your bottom and keep it in until you are about to be penetrated by a larger dildo or penis. This is called anal stretching and allows the back-passage to smoothly accommodate the larger toy or penis. This little trick is what porn performers do prior to shooting an anal scene (ahh, so that’s how they make it look so easy!).
  5. It may sound bizarre but some experienced anal-players have discovered that pushing out their butt muscles (as if they are going to the toilet) makes insertion easier. This technique can also assist during penetration … fear not, you’ve douched. (Reference 9)

Anal Sex Positions

The first few times you and your partner have anal sex, our advice is to play it safe and stick to the basics. Once again, ignore any porn you may have seen (even if one of you truly is very flexible, hold off on the anal acrobatics for now).

… Oh, and don’t forget to bring a towel into the bedroom, have the person being penetrated lay on it. The towel takes care of any excess water that may emerge from the back-passage of whoever has touched.

Beginners Anal Sex Positions

Doggystyle Lying Down

Instead of performing doggy style with one of you on all fours, in this position the person being penetrated is lying down. This is ideal for beginners as it makes deep penetration difficult; the bum cheeks act as a sort of buffer-zone, halting your partner’s thirst to fully insert themselves. Remember stick to shallow penetration in the beginning (Reference 10). Try putting a pillow or two underneath the person lying down so their bum is slightly raised.

On your side

Both of you lie on your side, similar to the pair of you spooning, the person performing the penetration is behind their partner. This is another position that makes deep penetration tricky. Try placing pillows against your upper body to make this more comfortable.

Regardless of what position you choose, don’t forget what we told you earlier in this guide about stimulating other body-parts during anal-sex, it helps to relax the bum and body, increasing pleasure.

Anal Sex Positions for Experienced Anal-Players

Riding on top

The person being penetrated is on top of their partner, riding them. This allows the person being penetrated to be in full control of the penetration. In this position, the bum cheeks are parted, making deep penetration possible, if desired.

If the person being penetrated faces their partner, it’s much easier for the penetrator to play with the penetratee’s vagina or penis and nipples as they are facing them. Yes, you can always go for the reach-around but let’s face facts, it’s much easier to play with body-parts if they’re staring you in the face.

For the experienced and the flexible …

The person being penetrated lies down on their back with their legs as close to their chest as possible, hunched-up. If this person is really flexible and is able to throw their legs right back so their feet are either behind their head or in that area, then even better.

With their anus up in the air (depending on how far the legs have been thrown back), exposed and open, it allows their partner to perform deep penetration with zero-to-minimal cheek-parting.

The Best Anal Sex Toys and Sex Essentials

As stated previously the essential items for any anal beginner are water-based anal lubricant and a tiny butt plug. Therefore, the following items are designed for those who have graduated to intermediate or advanced level.

skins condoms

  1. Skins Natural Condoms 16 Pack £9.95

Skins’ motto of “never go in without a skin” is the golden rule for any couple wanting to enjoy anal penetration. We recommend using a condom even if the person performing the penetration is using a strap-on, especially if the strap-on is going to be used on multiple partners. It also makes cleaning the toy easier afterward.

  • Made from natural rubber latex.
  • No ‘latex’ or ‘traditional’ condom smell.
  • As thin as other brands specially marketed “thin” or “extra-thin” condoms.
  • Extra lubrication for added comfort and durability.
  • Natural feeling.
  • CE approved.

strap on

2. Black Strap-on Harness with Pink Dildo £49.95

Strap-ons have been unisex for quite a while; a great alternative to a real penis for anyone who finds the male form unsuitable for their needs. Strap-ons are also popular with couples who enjoy ‘pegging’, where the person with the female form wears a strap-on to penetrate their male-bodied partner. In addition to the pleasure this brings both partners, it also stimulates the prostate of the male-bodied person being penetrated in such a way that when combined with penile stimulation results in an orgasm that will wake the whole street.

  • Complete strap-on set; dildo and adjustable harness.
  • Non-vibrating silicone dildo; curved tip makes it great for G-spot and P-spot pleasure.
  • The dildo has an insertable length of 4.75 inches (approx), with a diameter that is 1.25 inches (approx) at the tip and 0.75 inches (approx) further down the shaft.
  • The dildo can be removed from the harness, allowing it to be used separately.
  • Made from body-safe silicone (dildo) and body-safe PU leather, nylon and rubber (harness).

explorer noir

3. Explorer Noir Anal Bullet Vibrator Kit with Wireless Remote Control £79.95

(image above, below or to the side of the text)

Use the mini vibrating wireless bullet without the anal-play attachments for general external pleasure. Or slide the bullet into one of the anal attachments for some backdoor fun, all the while never having to worry about pulling too hard on the wire and damaging your toy.

  • Extremely powerful mini bullet vibrator, for those who like their toys to have some vrrooom!!!
  • The bullet vibrator can be operated using the power button on the base of the bullet, or via the wireless remote control.
  • The bullet is equipped with 7 modes of vibration; 1-speed, 6 patterns.
  • The bullet’s intensity can be turned up/down when operated by remote control.
  • The 3 anal-play attachments are a) buttplug with a flared tip and anchor-base, b) a lengthier buttplug with a curved tip and anchor-base, and c) a beaded prostate and perineum stimulator.
  • Bullet: USB rechargeable. Charging lead provided.
  • Wireless remote control requires 1 x 3v lithium battery (provided).

We hope we have given you enough back passage inspiration to have an orgasmic evening of bottom fun next time you are in the bedroom, or outside of it

If you need any tools to help you with your anal adventures shop our full range of anal sex toys here.

 

Don’t forget your anal sex toy essentials:

References

  1. My Secret Luxury; How to Introduce Anal Sex and the Best Anal Sex Toys, writer information not supplied, 7th May 2013. http://blog.mysecretluxury.com/how-to-introduce-anal-sex-and-best-anal-sex-toys/ (Reference 1)
  2. My Secret Luxury; How Do I Ask My Partner For Anal Sex?, writer information not supplied, 5th February 2019. http://blog.mysecretluxury.com/how-do-i-ask-my-partner-for-anal-sex/ (References 2, 7)
  3. Topher Taylor; Sex Education: Getting into Anal for Beginners, written by Topher Taylor, 19th August 2019. https://tophertaylor.co.uk/2019/08/19/beginners-anal-sex-guide-tips-sex-education/ (References 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9)
  4. Women’s Health; 15 Anal Sex Positions To Try, From Beginners to Advanced, written by Marissa Gainsburg, 12th August 2019. https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/g19686611/anal-sex-positions/ (Reference 10)