Friends With Benefits Meaning and Does It Work?
Friends with Benefits (FWB) is the new relationship goal. Whether we’re drooling over Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake’s hot on-screen FWB chemistry or downloading the next online app that promises to find us the perfect FWB buddy, we just can’t get enough. Heck, who wouldn’t want great sex every night? It beats watching the Alan Carr show in your undies that’s for sure. We know that girls and guys have got needs, and if you are too busy to date, aren’t interested in committed relationships and not into one night stands a FWB relationship sounds like the perfect answer right? Then why do friends with benefits often end in drama? We discuss the Do’s and Don’ts of a FWB relationship and whether they can ever actually work?
Friends with Benefits Meaning?
Before embarking on a FWB adventure, it is important to get your head around exactly what one is. How can you know if something is right for you if you don’t fully understand it?
Defining exactly what a FWB relationship is and isn’t can be tricky, mainly because the lines in FWB are so damn squiggly. Just like any normal relationship, a FWB arrangement is unique to the two people involved. Generally, FWB refers to two people who are sexually and intimately involved with each other and enjoy spending time in one and other company. However, that’s where the connection stops, there is no emotional attachment or commitment (Reference 1).
Get to know the difference between a Friends with Benefits relationship and a no-strings-attached casual hook-up. Being FWB means you both enjoy spending time in each other’s company even when you’ve got your clothes on, but not in a romantic way. As you are friends you have a shared investment in each other’s happiness and the sex is likely to happen again and again. In a casual hook-up, there are no expectations from each other and it is simply just sex.
How to begin a Friends with Benefits relationship and What To Consider?
The first thing you need to do is have a conversation with yourself. If you are going into a FWB relationship with even the teenie weeniest, speck on the floor glimmer of hope that it could lead to something more you need to turn your ass around. The smallest feelings can quickly develop into full-blown, can’t get out your head monster emotions. Ask yourself how you would feel if the other person entered into a monogamous relationship with someone else? Or imagine them having sex with another partner? If either of those questions make you feel queasy it’s not a good idea. Don’t rush into anything and make sure you are ready to enter into this arrangement before you make any rash choices.
One of the trickiest parts of starting up a FWB relationship is finding the right person to do it with. Understand the risks of starting FWB with a friend you already have, you need to be okay with your relationship changing and the potential risk of losing them. “I’d be wary of starting a sexual relationship with someone I already know/am friends with, purely because I think it would be a lot harder to keep the emotional distance. It’s a lot less messy and easier to find someone who you don’t know and get in a friend with benefits situation with them. That way, even if it does go wrong you can cut all ties and your life is no different”, says one of our readers who has tried FWB. That being said enjoying FWB with someone you already know and get along well with is not always going to end badly, just understand sex changes things end of. Once you have had that person’s genitals in your mouth there is no going back. Choose your FWB buddy wisely, make sure you are okay with the chance of losing that person if it all goes pear-shaped. Meaning your childhood best friend is probably not the ideal choice (Reference 2).
So, you have found your ideal fuck buddy candidate, now you both need to establish the ground rules, the Do’s and Don’ts of the arrangement before things go down or anyone goes down on anyone else. Both of you need to accept and understand that this is a casual relationship from the start. If one of you is looking for a good time, whilst the other is looking for a good husband or wife it ain’t going to work. Questions like how often will you see each other? And will you meet up with each other outside of the arrangement? All need to be answered (Reference 2). The clearer the boundaries are in the beginning the less likely you are to hit an iceberg along the way.
Next step, work in reverse and discuss the ending of the relationship before it has even got started. If you are both in the right mindset, then you should both be okay with your FWB arrangements inevitable end. At this stage, it is good to talk about why, how and when this end might happen. Acknowledging together that your ‘fling’ has an expiry date will help make things casual and avoid heartbreak down the line.
Friends with Benefits rules
Every FWB will have its own rules unique to both partners in the relationship. What works for one FWB might not work for another. “Rules, boundaries, respect” is the FWB mantra to follow according to one of our experienced readers. There are a few essential rules, that sticking to mean you and your ‘friend’ can enjoy happy emotion-free romping.
- Never use the D-word. Yeah, that’s right we are talking about a date. Okay, you enjoyed hanging out with them and having fun before you saw their penis or V-jay jay, so why should it have to stop now? If the next time you arrange to see each other doesn’t involve one of you being naked and spread-eagled then you need to make sure it is not a date. No cuddling or kissing, and you both pay for yourselves. If you have any mutual-friends invite them along so it isn’t just the two of you.
- Never see this as a forever relationship. Even if you don’t feel emotionally invested, viewing your FWB as a long term thing is not healthy. Keep the door open to other people and penises…If you find yourself bailing on other date nights to meet up with your FWB, alarm bells should be ringing (Reference 3).
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. For FWB to work there needs to be a constant, open flow of conversation from the beginning. Make it clear what both of you want and check in with each other as the relationship evolves.
- If it’s not happening, don’t try and force it. The friendship part of a FWB holds equal importance to the benefits. You FWB needs to be someone you can happily hanging out with both inside and outside the bedroom.
- Public displays of affection are a no go zone. Kissing and cuddling should be kept to a minimum outside of sex. If you start cuddling on the train home or leaving a spare pair of socks at their house you are branching into relationship territory.
- Your FWB is not your plus one to social events. Keep your FB separate from your friends and family, mixing the two will only lead to complications. So, inviting them to your cousin’s wedding is not the best idea. If you are already in the same friendship group try not to act coupley at social gatherings.
- Don’t stop being a friend to them. Carry the same care and compassion into the relationship as you had for them before. Or if your relationship is new, treat them with the same respect you would any other friend.
What To Do If You Catch Feelings for your Friend with Benefits?
It’s four weeks into your FWB relationship and you’re starting to catch feels. Always be prepared for this to happen. Even if you think there is no chance, trust is it can. The more time we spend with people the stronger a connection grows, combine that with physical intimacy and it is natural for feelings to develop (Reference 4). There are four phases to catching feelings in a FWB arrangement.
Phase 1 – Jealousy. If you’re getting angry because he liked that hotties Instagram photo, or feeling sick when she talks about that funny co-worker; this is a massive warning sign you are emotionally invested.
Phase 2 – Self Denial. You might be telling yourself that the funny feeling you had in your tummy last time you saw them was because of that dodgy curry. Or that the reason you feel sad is down to that programme on Netflix you watched and not because they just left you to go out with their other mates. Ignoring your emotions won’t help anything, feelings are like floodgates once they are opened they are very difficult to close.
Phase 3 – Shout up. You’ve realised you can’t go on hiding your feelings any longer and you know it’s time to have the ‘we need to talk’ chat. Staying in any kind of relationship where you are more emotionally invested than the other person can be damaging to your self-esteem and well-being.
Phase 4 – Decision time. Depending on how the conversation went you now need to decide how you want to move forward. Never fake feeling chill in a FWB relationship just because you think that is what the other person wants to see. Not getting what you want out of the friendship will only leave you feeling crappy in the long run. If you don’t agree on how you want to move forward, it is time to call it a day and move on.
What to do if your Friends with Benefits admits feelings?
Someone might not always come straight out and admit they have feelings, sometimes you gotta read between the lines. If at any point you don’t feel your friend is being honest with you or just agreeing with you to keep you happy, you need to question their feelings. Often people will try to hide any feelings just to keep the other partner ‘sweet’ and the relationship alive.
Look out for the warning signals. Are they inviting you out with their family and friends? Have you suddenly become their go-to plus one to every social event on their calendar – eek. Spotting these signs early can stop the whole ship from sinking, stopping the benefits at this point can allow you to still salvage your friendship.
If this happens, don’t act like a douche. You cared about this person enough to have a platonic friendship with them right? Then you should still care about their feelings now, if not more so. If your FWB develops feelings for you that aren’t reciprocated is only going to leave them hurt. Therefore, it is best to stop the arrangement here. Even if your FWB begs you to stay with them, or claims they can ignore their feelings. This is only more evidence for how intense their feelings are for you. In this situation treat your FWB how you would if it was actually just your friend in this situation.
Can A Friends With Benefits Relationship Really Work?
If done correctly a FWB arrangement can be the perfect set-up for two easy going friends looking for regular sex without the commitment. The crucial stage in a FWB relationship is the beginning. Smoothing out the rules and boundaries at this stage will make things less confusing and likely to go wrong further along. For a FWB relationship to work there needs to be a huge heap of communication. Always be honest with each other and don’t ignore warning signs or gut feelings. Be prepared for things to go wrong, just like normal relationships, FWB can get complicated and things can get messy. To navigate through these issues, make sure your head is in the right place before entering into FWB and be sure you can handle the emotional boundaries. If things do go wrong or you develop feelings don’t beat yourself up, you are only human. Just remember to be compassionate towards both your and your FWB’s feelings; and if you are not happy, always speak up.
Sex Essentials Items For Friends With Benefits
Sex is meant to be pleasurable for everyone involved, so don’t be shy about introducing these key sex essential items into your relationship as soon as it starts. You can thank us later…
Whether you are 18 or 80 you should be using lube during sex. Lube prevents any unwanted friction or pain from occurring during intercourse and makes everything more slippery, sensual and sexy. Applying lube stimulates the body’s arousal points and makes it easier for both men and women to orgasm. With so many flavours and feeling sensations out there using lube during sex is really fun. Still not convinced? Discover all the reasons you should be using lube here.
You want to introduce a sex toy into your FWB foreplay but aren’t ready to whip out your giant 240V magic wand vibrator. Try introducing a small but powerful bullet next time you are together in the bedroom. Their small and portable size makes bullets less intimidating than other sex toys and travel-friendly. Bullets can also be used to pleasure both Men and Women, so it’s a win-win all round.
Using a small butt plug during foreplay can but heaps of fun and pleasurable for both partners. Always start off with smaller butt plugs and work your way up. This small, silicone, easy-to-use butt plug is perfect for introducing anal-play into your relationship without being too scary.
As FWB are generally not monogamous relationships it is essential to use condoms to prevent spreading STDs. The best kind of sex is safe sex, and condoms help to make that happen. Protecting yourself against STD’s is an important part of sex, even if you know your sexual partner well, not all STD’s show symptoms. If you are sharing sex toys, remember to cover your sex toys with a condom.
We hope you now feel clued up on all things friends with benefits and how to make them work. Now you’ve got all the information you need, the next step is deciding whether FWB is right for you.
References
- Twitter, A. (2019). What Does Friends With Benefits Mean and Is It the Arrangement for You? [online] Mydomaine. Available at: https://www.mydomaine.com/what-does-friends-with-benefits-mean-1021859 [Accessed 17 Feb. 2020].
- Burton, N. and Hsieh, C. (2019). How to Pull Off Friends With Benefits the RIGHT Way. [online] Cosmopolitan. Available at: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2531/friends-with-benefits/?slide=4 [Accessed 17 Feb. 2020].
- Sarkisova, G. (2018). The 10 Commandments To Being Friends With Benefits. [online] Elite Daily. Available at: https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/sex/10-commandments-friends-benefits.
- Moses, L. (2018a). The 1 Thing You Should Know If You’re Developing Feelings For Your FWB. [online] Elite Daily. Available at: https://www.elitedaily.com/p/is-it-normal-to-start-liking-your-friend-with-benefits-heres-the-truth-13083306 [Accessed 17 Feb. 2020].