The Yes / No / Maybe List That Stopped Us Guessing

We didn’t make a Yes / No / Maybe list because we were feeling wildly adventurous.

We made it on a Tuesday.

After dinner.
After emails.
After one of those evenings where you both sit on the sofa, slightly too tired to start anything but not quite ready for bed either.

I remember scrolling on my phone and thinking, we’re doing that thing again where we’re both guessing.

Not just about sex — about everything around it.

Are you in the mood?
Should I say something?
Will this feel like pressure?
What if I get it wrong?

And the truth was… we’d got quite good at avoiding the question entirely.

This was around the same time we realised we’d stopped properly flirting with each other — not because we didn’t want to, just because life had got loud and routine had taken over (we wrote about that in We Missed Flirting — So We Tried One Small Thing).

So instead of another half-conversation that went nowhere, I said:

“Should we just… make a list or something?”

The awkward “should we make a list?” conversation

Alex looked at me like I’d suggested a spreadsheet.

“Like… a list list?” he said.

“Not a performance review,” I laughed. “Just… so we stop guessing.”

There was a pause.

Not a bad one. Just a thinking one.

“I don’t want to get it wrong,” he said eventually.

That sentence landed more than anything else.

Because same.

“I don’t want it to feel like pressure,” I said.
“I just want us to know what’s a yes, what’s a no, and what’s a ‘maybe we talk about it.’”

Another pause.

Then:

“Okay. That actually sounds… helpful.”

Not sexy. Not exciting.

But honest.

And honestly, that was the point.

What a Yes / No / Maybe list actually meant for us

Before we did it, I think we both assumed it would feel a bit formal.

Like ticking boxes.

It didn’t.

We kept it really simple:

• Yes = I’m comfortable / curious / open
• No = Not for me (no explanation needed)
• Maybe = I’m not sure — we’d need to talk first

That was it.

No deadlines.
No expectations.
No “well you said yes so now we have to.”

It wasn’t a to-do list.

It was a translation tool.

A way of saying things without having to perfectly word them in the moment.

We actually approached it the same way we did when we bought our first couple’s toy — less “what should we be doing?” and more “what feels okay for us right now” (we shared that whole slightly awkward process in Our First Couple’s Toy: What We Wish We’d Known).

Our rules before we filled it in

This bit mattered more than the list itself.

We agreed a few things before we even started:

• No laughing at each other’s answers
• No persuading or convincing
• “Maybe” is a full answer, not a stepping stone to “yes”
• Either of us can pause at any time (we use a simple green / amber / red check-in)
• We’d have tea and something sweet after (this has become our unofficial aftercare)

Alex actually said:

“So basically… I can’t mess this up?”

And I said:

“That’s the whole point.”

I don’t think I realised how much we both needed that.

What surprised us most

It wasn’t the list.

It was the conversation around the list.

Some things we expected to match didn’t.

Some things we thought might be a “no” came out as a “maybe.”

And a lot of the “maybes” weren’t about the thing itself — they were about:

• confidence
• timing
• not knowing enough yet
• worrying how it would feel

The biggest surprise?

How relieving it was to hear a clear “no.”

Not in a disappointing way — in a grounding way.

It made everything else feel safer.

More intentional.

More like we were choosing things together, not drifting into them.

At one point Alex said:

“I think I’ve been avoiding asking because I didn’t want to hear no.”

And I said:

“I think I’ve been avoiding answering because I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Which is… not exactly a great system for communication.

What we’d tell other couples trying this

If you’re even slightly curious about doing a Yes / No / Maybe list, here’s what helped us keep it normal (and not intense):

1. Start broader than you think
   You don’t need a super detailed list. Categories or general ideas are enough to start the conversation.
2. Fill it in separately first
   We did ours on our own, then compared. It made it easier to be honest without reacting in the moment.
3. Don’t go line-by-line like an interview
   We sort of grouped things and talked around them instead. Much less pressure.
4. Treat “maybe” as the main category
   Honestly, this is where all the good conversations are. “Maybe” = curiosity without commitment.
5. Keep it low-pressure and ongoing
   We’re not “finishing” the list. We’ll revisit it in our monthly check-ins and see what’s changed.

Also — and this surprised us — even just browsing together helped.

We once ended up down a rabbit hole of beginner-friendly couple toys, not because we were planning to buy anything that night, but because it gave us something neutral to react to.

What we’d do differently next time

Not at 10pm.

This is becoming a theme.

We always think, let’s have a meaningful chat, and our bodies are like, absolutely not, it’s bedtime.

Next time:

• Earlier in the evening
• Shorter list
• Snacks before the emotional breakthroughs

Because yes — we had what felt like a genuinely important, slightly vulnerable, very grown-up conversation…

…and then were asleep about 15 minutes later.

On brand for us.

Alex & Jen’s takeaway

We didn’t make this list to become more adventurous.

We made it because we were tired of guessing.

Tired of overthinking.
Tired of second-guessing each other.
Tired of silence where there could’ve been something simple and honest.

The list didn’t change everything overnight.

But it did give us something we didn’t realise we were missing:

A way to talk without feeling like we were getting it wrong.

We’re not trying to be a different couple.