Exploring My Body at Uni: Why I Stopped Pretending I Wasn’t Curious

I’m writing this sat on my bed, half-dressed for pres, staring at my mirror like I’m about to give myself a TED Talk.

You know the vibe. Outfit on. Hair kind of cooperating. Group chat popping off.

“Where are you???”
“Shot o’clock in 10.”
“Babe bring eyeliner.”

And I’m just there… holding my phone… thinking:

Why have I been acting like I’m not curious about my own body?

Like. Let’s be so for real.

I’ve been googling things at 1am for years.

Clearing my search history like it’s evidence.

Acting normal in daylight like I haven’t just panic-read five forums titled “is this normal???”

And then I came to uni… and suddenly no one was acting like it was a secret.

So yeah. This is me stopping the pretending

Okay, so… hi. This is me.

I’m Lena. I’m 21. I live in a flat with people who have zero shame and way too much confidence before midnight.

I grew up in a house where sex wasn’t forbidden… it just… wasn’t mentioned. Ever.

Sex ed at school?
Biology. Diagrams. Pregnancy. STIs.
No one said anything about comfort, curiosity, or figuring out your own body.

So naturally, I learned everything the normal way:

Whispers.
TikTok.
Panic-googling.
And occasionally believing absolute nonsense.

Then I moved into this flat.

Maya is calm about everything. Like, you could tell her your most embarrassing thought and she’d go, “Yeah, that’s normal,” and mean it.

Ruby? Chaos. Overshares mid-snack. Once shouted across the kitchen, “Has anyone seen my charger OR my dignity?”

Sam is the voice of reason. Hydration reminders. “Lock the door.” “You can just say no.”

And somehow, just being around them made me realise something:

No one else thought this was weird. So why did I?

The thing I wasn’t saying out loud

I was curious.

Not in a dramatic, life-crisis way. Just… quietly.

Like:

• wondering what actually feels good
• not understanding my own body properly
• feeling behind compared to what everyone online seems to “just know”

But instead of dealing with that like a normal person, I did what I’d always done:

Pretended I wasn’t curious at all.

Because curiosity felt embarrassing.

The uni moment that changed it (slightly chaotic, obviously)

We were in the kitchen. Late. Hoodies. Questionable pasta.

Ruby goes:
“Not me accidentally ordering something to the flat.”

Maya: “And?”
Ruby: “AND I forgot it’s arriving today.”
Sam: “So… you’ll receive it?”

Ruby: “But what if someone else answers the door??”

And Maya just goes:

“Literally no one cares.”

That was it.

And something in my brain went:

…wait.

So I’ve been stressing… for what?

The actual worry (aka the spiral)

Even after that, I still had the same thoughts:

• “What if my flatmates find out?”
• “What if I’m doing it wrong?”
• “What if it’s embarrassing?”
• “What if I waste money?”

Because I am a student. I cannot afford emotional AND financial damage.

What I actually did:

I didn’t suddenly reinvent myself.

I just:

• admitted I was curious
• stopped shutting the thought down immediately
• let myself browse products to see what I would enjoy…

And that’s when I did it.

I ordered a toy from Pulse and Cocktails.

And I can say now that it was not scary.

Read about it here: I Bought My First Toy as a Student

What I’ve learned so far (aka what would’ve saved me stress)

1. Curiosity is normal (not embarrassing)

I genuinely thought something was wrong with me for even thinking about this.

There isn’t.

You’re allowed to be curious about your own body. End of.

2. You don’t need to rush into anything

I thought curiosity = immediate action.

No.

You can:

• read
• learn
• save things for later
• change your mind

There is no timeline.

3. Beginner-friendly exists for a reason

This would’ve saved me time AND money.

You don’t need to jump into anything complicated. There are literally:

• beginner-friendly toys
• simple, low-pressure options
• guides made for people who are starting from zero

4. Budget matters (and you don’t need to overspend)

Let’s be so real.

If you’re skint, don’t stress.

You can absolutely explore without dropping loads of money.

5. Discreetness is part of the experience

No one talks about this properly.

But at uni?
It matters.

Things that helped me feel less stressed:

• using a makeup bag for storage
• keeping things in my own drawer
• choosing quiet times (you know your flat’s routine)

Myth vs Reality (the lies I believed)

Myth: Everyone else has it figured out
Reality: Everyone else is also winging it

Myth: This has to be a big, serious thing
Reality: It can be low-pressure and gradual

Myth: People will notice
Reality: People are too busy worrying about themselves

Why I’m writing this (instead of just staying quiet)

Because I couldn’t find advice that felt like this life.

Everything was:

• too polished
• too confident
• or completely ignoring student reality

No one was saying:

“It’s okay to be curious AND awkward AND on a budget.”

So I am.

Final thought (from me, in my half-done pres outfit)

I spent so long acting like this part of me didn’t exist.

Like ignoring it would make me feel more normal.

But the second I stopped pretending?

Everything got easier.

Not perfect. Not instantly confident.

Just… easier.

So if you’re in that same slightly awkward, curious stage—

You’re not weird.

You’re just learning.